Dear Lord,
Please help those who are facing challenges... please guide them to see the light thru darkness... the beauty amid ugliness... the joy beyond sorrow.
May they reflect back at yesterday and find happiness, look forward to tomorrow with faith, and find peace in today... knowing that their soul is filled with Your pure love... Dear Lord these things we pray.
Kevin here....writing from the 4th Floor of the Methodist Children's Hospital in San Antonio - our "on-and-off home away from home" over the past 5 years.
Time appears to be short and the road ahead rocky, so I'm putting a lot into this Email while I'm still able. It may very well be the last E-mail I write while we still have Timothy alive on earth. So chin up and dry the sniffles for now. Please know we so very much appreciate your ongoing support and offers to help. Emails are great, too.
Since we last wrote 9 days ago, Timothy has become increasingly unstable in his brief "standing-pivot" from bed to wheelchair, couch and toilet. His upper body and head have further listed to the right - not a pleasant site from the perspective of a parent. Timothy has also become increasingly disoriented and forgetful. For a kid of his I.Q., character, wit, and outright humor (all based at a level higher than yours or mine - combined), this has also been difficult to watch.
It became clear late this past Monday afternoon, 1/22/07 at 5:00pm, that our home hospice labor was done. At that time, Timothy could barely stand to shuffle from the wheelchair to the toilet - even while cradled upright in my arms. As I waited a few seconds for him to stabilize, he gave me a look - same look (which I will never forget) immediately before he went into a fairly well-developed seizure three weeks ago. We gently, but swiftly carried him to his bed and hooked him up to administer anti-seizure meds (which would knock him out for about a day), but he remained somewhat responsive and even calmed down a bit. We decided on a half-dose of anti-seizure meds, then called our dear Nurse Practitioner & friend Patsy and all agreed - time to admit.
Two days later, Timothy is better. He remains comfortable in bed and has made noticeable recovery in many areas. He has needed only two pill treatments for a couple of small headaches. He has interacted with several visitors, benefited from two good nights' sleep, and enjoyed playing a game here and there - though not able to remember "traditional rules". As I type, he's visiting with nurse Dolores (long-time nurse caregiver & friend), and I'm hearing a whole lot of the Timothy I've known for years. Timothy's politeness, humor and good nature remain regardless of his "perspective". Logic, perception, and memory, however, continue to decline with momentary lapses to near normal thinking/interacting, which we quickly recognize and cherish. I'll give you a classic example from earlier this morning:
Thursday, 1/25/07, 10:00am: Timothy is awake and fairly alert, eating breakfast with shaky hands, needing very little assistance. Over the next minute or two, as he, Kay Ann, and I are talking, Timothy's body slowly, but steadily slumps, his thoughts and words drift, his voice shakes, he speech becomes slurred. His spoon flails aimlessly at the mashed potatoes he's trying to eat. Suddenly his eyes roll slightly in two different directions and his head lists far to one side. I rise from my chair, take the spoon from his hand, gently press my cheek against his, and whisper some calming words - hopefully a lifeline of reality and assurance he can hang onto. In the minute or so that follows, my emotions begin to swell and I tell Timothy (as I have so many times before) how much we love him and are proud of him. No response. My emotions continue to swell. I tighten my hug, press the check just a bit more and whisper some "sweet nothings" into Timothy's ears. Still no response. I say, "Timothy, are you coherent?". Seconds pass without a response. I say again, "Timothy are you coherent?". After a few more seconds, eyes still closed, head still listing, Timothy responds, "Piiiiink Flamiiiiiingos". My cheek still pressed against his, I said "WHAT?", then I backed away to check out the bigger body language picture. At that, Timothy suddenly and literally bolted to life, eyes wide open and says, "HA! Just kidding! Got you, Dad!". Well, the momentary "fade" was real. The recovery just as real. The final "punchline"....all Timothy. "Nice to have you back, Son.".
On a more sobering note, we spoke with the Dr. Patel yesterday afternoon, asking him to explain the lack of headache (which one would expect with increasing tumor volume) vs. the increasing loss of coordination, shaky hands, double-vision and disorientation. Dr. Patel explained that the last MRI indicated a near full coating of the front, top and back of the brain - all affecting the areas of inquiry. I peeked at the MRI (done this past Friday, 1/19/07). The coating is indeed extensive, continuous and every bit of 1/8" thick - covering about the same surface areas as a baseball cap. The improvement we've seen over the short haul (last day or two), is due to the balancing of blood chemistries, fluids, rest, etc.
If the cancer continues on its present course, without God's intervention, we are in the 1 to 2 week range. A sudden catastrophic seizure could occur at any time. If/when the cancer grows beyond the point of our limited ability to treat brain swelling, things will deteriorate very rapidly, except the need for management of pain, which will increase....resulting in unconsciousness. From there, decreased breathing rate, and well, promotion to heaven. Sorry to be morbid, but now you know how to "watch and pray" for us (from Jesus' exhortation to Peter, James, & John in Matt. 26:36-46). We'll watch, pray, and wait for God's answer...which we will confidently accept. His plans and purposes are beyond our limited perspective and work together for our good - same as a parent's for the child.
Some verses about our heavenly destination have become dear over the past months. We learn specific things about life on the other side from Luke 16:19-31, Revelation 6:9-11, II Cor. 4:16-18 & 5:10 to list only a few. We've also been reading the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn and I strongly recommend you lay hold of a copy. There are many other verses about heaven we've shared together as a family and more specifically with Timothy. I'd like to share insights, but now is not the time.
The road ahead (next two weeks) will be difficult. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, we are asking/receiving the sufficiency of God's grace, same as Paul (II Cor. 12:7-10). Please continue to petition on our behalf - grace, mercy, strength beyond explanation, and a testimony of faithfulness. We continue to ask God to be glorified through Timothy's healing. May all Gods' benefits, plans, and purposes through this trial be fully realized by us all. The trial (yea, every trial) would be a waste otherwise. God writing through the Apostle Paul, puts it well, "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." II Cor. 4:16,17. Simple, but tough.
I asked Timothy what words he would have for us should he be promoted. He thought for a moment, then replied, "See ya on the other side". We endure with joy our ministry for a few short years on this earth and look forward to meeting up with many of you "on the other side".
Remember us through the storm ahead.
Kevin, for all
A most important "footnote"...having spoken with him this morning, Timothy wants each of you to know, as he knows, the certainty of your salvation and position in heaven after death. In his words, "unacceptable for you not to join him someday for a reunion in heaven" (should Jesus decide to bring Timothy home at this time). At Timothy's' concurrence and for those of you who may not know for certain if heaven will someday be your permanent home, we encourage you lay hold of the free gift bought and paid by Jesus on the cross as is so well described in John 3:16 and other verses listed below. If any truth has been gored into my soul through this trial, it is the absolute zero worthlessness of our ability to be righteous before God and earn heaven on the basis of our works. Take Timothy as an example. The suffering of the "innocent", perhaps to the death, for something he, from a parent's perspective, does not deserve. The cancer is deadly, the treatments (like our attempts to work our way to heaven), though well-meaning, ultimately bring hurt without cure. So as the chemo, such are our attempts to earn heaven. God has recognized the insufficiency of our works to achieve the standard of perfection for His heaven (Rom. 3:23). Take Jesus - the only true innocent, out of love for His created mankind and need to atone for and cover sin, voluntarily humbling himself, becoming obedient to the suffering of the cross, momentarily forsaken while bearing the wrath of God, taking the full penalty of our sin on His broken body...that "whosoever believes on Him (His sacrificial work on the cross), should not perish, but have everlasting life.". Now imagine man's rejection of that painful, humiliating sacrifice to pursue a life of works to gain the favor of God and ultimate entrance to heaven. If I were Jesus (humanly speaking), I'd be "hacked" watching children I've created and loved, literally to death, ignoring the high price I just paid while trying to be good enough to earn heaven. It was the very fact that man was and is hopelessly lost in sin that I (actually Jesus) decided to pay the penalty by death (Rom. 3:10-20 & Rom. 5:8). Take a few minutes to read the following verses: John 3:16; John 5:24; John 6:40; Romans 3:9-28; Romans 5:8; Romans 6:23; Romans 10:1-10; Ephesians 2:8,9; Titus 3:5,6; II Cor. 5:21. Also, see I John 5:10-13. Note in verse 13 the ability of one to "know that you have eternal life". If you believe that God loved you so much that He gave Jesus to die on the cross for your sins, and you, by faith, by confession of your mouth by prayer (Romans 10:9), you may be assured of your position of heaven at death....thanks to Jesus. Free gift. Can't be earned, can't be lost. Accept the free gift today. "God, thanks for loving me. I could never be good enough to earn heaven. Forgive me for my sin and for trying to earn your favor while ignoring the work of the cross. Jesus, I believe you paid the full price for my sin by dying on the cross. Thank you. Come into my heart, save me from the penalty of my sin and make me the person you want me to be." If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, rejoice and take Jesus as your savior. Enjoy "having the Son" (I John 1:12), be at peace with God (Rom. 5:1 & Rom. 8:1), look forward to Heaven (I Pet. 1:3-10), forever accepted by your Father in Heaven, confessing sins regularly (not to retain salvation, but to maintain the relationship - same as you would expect in a God-given earthly home, I John 1:7-9). Thanks be to God for His great gift.
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Kevin here....writing from the 4th Floor of the Methodist Children's Hospital in San Antonio - our "on-and-off home away from home" over the past 5 years.
Time appears to be short and the road ahead rocky, so I'm putting a lot into this Email while I'm still able. It may very well be the last E-mail I write while we still have Timothy alive on earth. So chin up and dry the sniffles for now. Please know we so very much appreciate your ongoing support and offers to help. Emails are great, too.
Since we last wrote 9 days ago, Timothy has become increasingly unstable in his brief "standing-pivot" from bed to wheelchair, couch and toilet. His upper body and head have further listed to the right - not a pleasant site from the perspective of a parent. Timothy has also become increasingly disoriented and forgetful. For a kid of his I.Q., character, wit, and outright humor (all based at a level higher than yours or mine - combined), this has also been difficult to watch.
It became clear late this past Monday afternoon, 1/22/07 at 5:00pm, that our home hospice labor was done. At that time, Timothy could barely stand to shuffle from the wheelchair to the toilet - even while cradled upright in my arms. As I waited a few seconds for him to stabilize, he gave me a look - same look (which I will never forget) immediately before he went into a fairly well-developed seizure three weeks ago. We gently, but swiftly carried him to his bed and hooked him up to administer anti-seizure meds (which would knock him out for about a day), but he remained somewhat responsive and even calmed down a bit. We decided on a half-dose of anti-seizure meds, then called our dear Nurse Practitioner & friend Patsy and all agreed - time to admit.
Two days later, Timothy is better. He remains comfortable in bed and has made noticeable recovery in many areas. He has needed only two pill treatments for a couple of small headaches. He has interacted with several visitors, benefited from two good nights' sleep, and enjoyed playing a game here and there - though not able to remember "traditional rules". As I type, he's visiting with nurse Dolores (long-time nurse caregiver & friend), and I'm hearing a whole lot of the Timothy I've known for years. Timothy's politeness, humor and good nature remain regardless of his "perspective". Logic, perception, and memory, however, continue to decline with momentary lapses to near normal thinking/interacting, which we quickly recognize and cherish. I'll give you a classic example from earlier this morning:
Thursday, 1/25/07, 10:00am: Timothy is awake and fairly alert, eating breakfast with shaky hands, needing very little assistance. Over the next minute or two, as he, Kay Ann, and I are talking, Timothy's body slowly, but steadily slumps, his thoughts and words drift, his voice shakes, he speech becomes slurred. His spoon flails aimlessly at the mashed potatoes he's trying to eat. Suddenly his eyes roll slightly in two different directions and his head lists far to one side. I rise from my chair, take the spoon from his hand, gently press my cheek against his, and whisper some calming words - hopefully a lifeline of reality and assurance he can hang onto. In the minute or so that follows, my emotions begin to swell and I tell Timothy (as I have so many times before) how much we love him and are proud of him. No response. My emotions continue to swell. I tighten my hug, press the check just a bit more and whisper some "sweet nothings" into Timothy's ears. Still no response. I say, "Timothy, are you coherent?". Seconds pass without a response. I say again, "Timothy are you coherent?". After a few more seconds, eyes still closed, head still listing, Timothy responds, "Piiiiink Flamiiiiiingos". My cheek still pressed against his, I said "WHAT?", then I backed away to check out the bigger body language picture. At that, Timothy suddenly and literally bolted to life, eyes wide open and says, "HA! Just kidding! Got you, Dad!". Well, the momentary "fade" was real. The recovery just as real. The final "punchline"....all Timothy. "Nice to have you back, Son.".
On a more sobering note, we spoke with the Dr. Patel yesterday afternoon, asking him to explain the lack of headache (which one would expect with increasing tumor volume) vs. the increasing loss of coordination, shaky hands, double-vision and disorientation. Dr. Patel explained that the last MRI indicated a near full coating of the front, top and back of the brain - all affecting the areas of inquiry. I peeked at the MRI (done this past Friday, 1/19/07). The coating is indeed extensive, continuous and every bit of 1/8" thick - covering about the same surface areas as a baseball cap. The improvement we've seen over the short haul (last day or two), is due to the balancing of blood chemistries, fluids, rest, etc.
If the cancer continues on its present course, without God's intervention, we are in the 1 to 2 week range. A sudden catastrophic seizure could occur at any time. If/when the cancer grows beyond the point of our limited ability to treat brain swelling, things will deteriorate very rapidly, except the need for management of pain, which will increase....resulting in unconsciousness. From there, decreased breathing rate, and well, promotion to heaven. Sorry to be morbid, but now you know how to "watch and pray" for us (from Jesus' exhortation to Peter, James, & John in Matt. 26:36-46). We'll watch, pray, and wait for God's answer...which we will confidently accept. His plans and purposes are beyond our limited perspective and work together for our good - same as a parent's for the child.
Some verses about our heavenly destination have become dear over the past months. We learn specific things about life on the other side from Luke 16:19-31, Revelation 6:9-11, II Cor. 4:16-18 & 5:10 to list only a few. We've also been reading the book "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn and I strongly recommend you lay hold of a copy. There are many other verses about heaven we've shared together as a family and more specifically with Timothy. I'd like to share insights, but now is not the time.
The road ahead (next two weeks) will be difficult. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, we are asking/receiving the sufficiency of God's grace, same as Paul (II Cor. 12:7-10). Please continue to petition on our behalf - grace, mercy, strength beyond explanation, and a testimony of faithfulness. We continue to ask God to be glorified through Timothy's healing. May all Gods' benefits, plans, and purposes through this trial be fully realized by us all. The trial (yea, every trial) would be a waste otherwise. God writing through the Apostle Paul, puts it well, "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, works for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." II Cor. 4:16,17. Simple, but tough.
I asked Timothy what words he would have for us should he be promoted. He thought for a moment, then replied, "See ya on the other side". We endure with joy our ministry for a few short years on this earth and look forward to meeting up with many of you "on the other side".
Remember us through the storm ahead.
Kevin, for all
A most important "footnote"...having spoken with him this morning, Timothy wants each of you to know, as he knows, the certainty of your salvation and position in heaven after death. In his words, "unacceptable for you not to join him someday for a reunion in heaven" (should Jesus decide to bring Timothy home at this time). At Timothy's' concurrence and for those of you who may not know for certain if heaven will someday be your permanent home, we encourage you lay hold of the free gift bought and paid by Jesus on the cross as is so well described in John 3:16 and other verses listed below. If any truth has been gored into my soul through this trial, it is the absolute zero worthlessness of our ability to be righteous before God and earn heaven on the basis of our works. Take Timothy as an example. The suffering of the "innocent", perhaps to the death, for something he, from a parent's perspective, does not deserve. The cancer is deadly, the treatments (like our attempts to work our way to heaven), though well-meaning, ultimately bring hurt without cure. So as the chemo, such are our attempts to earn heaven. God has recognized the insufficiency of our works to achieve the standard of perfection for His heaven (Rom. 3:23). Take Jesus - the only true innocent, out of love for His created mankind and need to atone for and cover sin, voluntarily humbling himself, becoming obedient to the suffering of the cross, momentarily forsaken while bearing the wrath of God, taking the full penalty of our sin on His broken body...that "whosoever believes on Him (His sacrificial work on the cross), should not perish, but have everlasting life.". Now imagine man's rejection of that painful, humiliating sacrifice to pursue a life of works to gain the favor of God and ultimate entrance to heaven. If I were Jesus (humanly speaking), I'd be "hacked" watching children I've created and loved, literally to death, ignoring the high price I just paid while trying to be good enough to earn heaven. It was the very fact that man was and is hopelessly lost in sin that I (actually Jesus) decided to pay the penalty by death (Rom. 3:10-20 & Rom. 5:8). Take a few minutes to read the following verses: John 3:16; John 5:24; John 6:40; Romans 3:9-28; Romans 5:8; Romans 6:23; Romans 10:1-10; Ephesians 2:8,9; Titus 3:5,6; II Cor. 5:21. Also, see I John 5:10-13. Note in verse 13 the ability of one to "know that you have eternal life". If you believe that God loved you so much that He gave Jesus to die on the cross for your sins, and you, by faith, by confession of your mouth by prayer (Romans 10:9), you may be assured of your position of heaven at death....thanks to Jesus. Free gift. Can't be earned, can't be lost. Accept the free gift today. "God, thanks for loving me. I could never be good enough to earn heaven. Forgive me for my sin and for trying to earn your favor while ignoring the work of the cross. Jesus, I believe you paid the full price for my sin by dying on the cross. Thank you. Come into my heart, save me from the penalty of my sin and make me the person you want me to be." If this prayer expresses the desire of your heart, rejoice and take Jesus as your savior. Enjoy "having the Son" (I John 1:12), be at peace with God (Rom. 5:1 & Rom. 8:1), look forward to Heaven (I Pet. 1:3-10), forever accepted by your Father in Heaven, confessing sins regularly (not to retain salvation, but to maintain the relationship - same as you would expect in a God-given earthly home, I John 1:7-9). Thanks be to God for His great gift.
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